Emotions are part of being human. They enrich our lives, motivate us, and help us connect with others. But sometimes, emotions can also overwhelm us, especially when they are triggered by something that reminds us of a painful or traumatic experience.
An emotional trigger is anything that sparks an intense emotional reaction, regardless of your current mood. It could be a word, a gesture, a tone of voice, a smell, a song, or a situation. When you encounter a trigger, you may feel a surge of anger, fear, sadness, or shame. You may also experience physical symptoms, such as a racing heart, a tight chest, or a knot in your stomach.
Emotional triggers are often linked to unresolved issues from your past, such as childhood abuse, neglect, or trauma. When you face a trigger, you may feel like you are reliving the past, or that you are in danger. You may also react in ways that are out of proportion to the present situation, such as lashing out, shutting down, or escaping.
These reactions can have negative consequences for your well-being, your relationships, and your life. They can also create a vicious cycle, where your triggers lead to more stress, which leads to more triggers, and so on. That’s why it’s important to learn how to manage your emotional triggers and cope with them in healthy ways.
Here are five steps you can take to overcome your emotional triggers and live more peacefully:
Step 1: Notice
The first step is to notice when you are triggered and how you feel. Pay attention to your body and your mind, and observe the sensations and thoughts that arise. Don’t judge or criticize yourself, just acknowledge what is happening.
For example, you may notice that you feel angry when your partner comes home late without calling. You may feel your blood pressure rising, your muscles tensing, and your mind racing with accusations. You may also notice that this reminds you of how your father used to neglect you when you were a child.
Step 2: Pause
The second step is to pause before you react. When you are triggered, you may act impulsively or irrationally, driven by your survival instinct. This can lead to more problems and regrets. Instead, take a moment to breathe deeply and calm yourself. Breathing helps to release tension and reset your nervous system.
For example, you may pause and take a few deep breaths before you confront your partner. You may also count to ten, say a mantra, or do something else that helps you relax.
Step 3: Analyze
The third step is to analyze your trigger and your reaction. Try to identify what triggered you, why it triggered you, and how it triggered you. Ask yourself questions such as:
- What was the trigger? Was it something someone said or did, or something that happened?
- What emotion did it trigger? Was it anger, fear, sadness, or shame?
- What memory or belief did it trigger? Was it something from your past, or something you assume or expect?
- What reaction did it trigger? Was it verbal, physical, or behavioral?
For example, you may analyze that your partner’s lateness triggered your anger, because it triggered a memory of your father’s neglect, and a belief that you are not important or worthy. You may also analyze that your reaction was to yell at your partner, or to give them the silent treatment.
Step 4: Self-soothe
The fourth step is to self-soothe your emotions and your thoughts. Self-soothing means comforting yourself and finding a healthy outlet for your emotional energy. It can also mean challenging your negative thoughts and replacing them with more realistic ones. Some ways to self-soothe are:
- Express your feelings in a safe and respectful way, such as writing them down, talking to a friend, or seeking professional help.
- Do something that makes you feel good, such as listening to music, reading a book, or taking a walk.
- Practice self-care, such as eating well, sleeping enough, and exercising regularly.
- Practice gratitude, compassion, or forgiveness, such as listing things you are thankful for, being kind to yourself and others, or letting go of resentment.
For example, you may self-soothe by writing a letter to your partner, explaining how you feel and why you reacted the way you did. You may also listen to your favorite song, take a hot bath, or meditate.
Step 5: Journal
The fifth step is to journal about your triggers and your progress. Journaling helps you to process your thoughts and feelings, and to gain insight and perspective. It also helps you to track your triggers and your coping strategies, and to celebrate your achievements and growth. Some questions you can journal about are:
- What triggers did you encounter today, and how did you cope with them?
- What did you learn from your triggers and your reactions?
- What did you do well, and what can you improve?
- How do you feel now, and what are your goals for tomorrow?
For example, you may journal that you encountered a trigger when your partner came home late, and that you coped with it by pausing, analyzing, self-soothing, and expressing your feelings. You may also journal that you learned that your trigger was related to your childhood trauma, and that you need to work on your self-esteem and trust issues. You may also journal that you did well by not escalating the conflict, and that you can improve by being more understanding and communicative. You may also journal that you feel calmer and more hopeful, and that your goal for tomorrow is to have a constructive conversation with your partner.
Conclusion
Emotional triggers can be challenging and painful, but they can also be opportunities for healing and growth. It is impossible to avoid triggers in your life, and the goal is not about avoiding triggers completely, it is about being able to learn to cope with them better. To expand your capacity to feel difficult emotions, understand yourself and another, and ultimately, to improve your well-being, your relationships, and your life.
